Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Sex is not love

Whether you learn it the hard way (like I did) or you've read it somewhere early and took note, it's important for us women to realise that sex is not the same as love.

I read somewhere once that women have been genetically programmed to become "attached" to the man they sleep with, whereas men are programmed to "sow their seed" with as many women as possible. Given the things I've seen my friends go through over the last year or so, this makes some sense. Could it be that we women are genetically programmed to love the person we are sleeping with?

I'm no stranger to the concept of a "friend with benefits" and although I can say that I have not been in love with said "friend", I have felt loving feelings towards them after sex. Like many women I know, I yearn for intimacy both during and after sex, and I feel quite daunted and uneasy if the guy just rolls over and sleeps, or leaves in a hurry. Is this the "attachment" or "loving feeling" I've read about?

Like I said, I learned that sex was not love the hard way. And in realising this, I want to share it with every female I come into contact with. It means I do not love every man I sleep with, no matter what the overspill of emotions tells me. And it also means that "giving it up" will not necessarily result in the guy falling in love with me.

I'm not saying that men won't love a woman after having slept with them. I know of a friend of a friend of a friend who slept with a guy on the night they met and they are now happily married. What I mean is that just because sex has happened does not mean the guy will begin to have feelings for the woman.

Through discussions with many of my female friends, and through my own experiences, we have found that men have had more respect and love for women the more quality time they spend together. This is more than sex. I'm referring to fun activities, deep conversations, long walks, dinner dates, funfair and theme park trips. Guys have shown their levels of love through spending quality time, not just through sex.

I would love it if I could preach this to every woman I meet who didn't already know it. I feel like it's the Holy Grail of relationships- a forgotten truth that all women must know, to understand their biological make up and have more meaningful relationships.

Not to say the non-meaningful, short-lived, "can't get enough" sexual relationships can't be enjoyable. After all, who doesn't like a bit of meaningless animal sex?

Thursday, 20 September 2012

"Mr I"

Men – we are not mind readers any more than you are!

This isn’t a ranty post I promise. Its more of an angsty – actually kinda sad post. But also a little mad at the same time.

“Mr I” – the guy with whom I had many months build up only for it to kind of fizzle into an awesome friendship, recently dropped a bombshell. The “I like you” bombshell. Now obviously I kinda knew this a few months ago given our relationship at the time. But then when you meet up several times and are basically just hanging as friends with nothing physical and then don’t see each other for 6 weeks what’s a gal supposed to think? AND especially considering the last time I tried to bring up a conversation about where we were I got relentlessly mocked and made to feel like a total Muppet, I wasn’t prepared to go through with that again so…I just left it.

And then this gal got on with things. Having fun, dating etc. Hey we never said we were exclusive. Far from it. Heck we never said we were anything to be honest. Yet somehow the green-eyed monster has reared its evil little head when I started dating someone new. And not even dating as yet, a simple second date and you could smell the jealousy in the air.

And now I feel like the bad guy! And seriously – where was this declaration 2 months ago? You know – when I was crazy about him? Why now?

Despite many (many) conversations with Panda and other girlfriends, I still don’t have the answer. But I don’t know what to do. He says he doesn't know what he wants, he knows things weren't working out between us, but he still wants us to be more than friends.

Ugh! This is hard! Or maybe its not. Really you can’t force these things, and the bottom line is…I don’t feel that way any more. But I would hate to loose him from my life – just not at the price of his feelings.

If only he was honest about them. I have a feeling his downplaying this somewhat. But I can only take so much responsibility for someone else’s feelings.

I just hope it is a simple case of pettiness and after a couple of weeks he’ll realise hes being silly and we can go back to being mates. I hope that’s possible. Because as Harry and Sally once asked: “Can a man and woman ever be just friends?”

Sunday, 16 September 2012

Am I in Love with Love?

Of course I am! I grew up on Disney Fairy Tales for crying out loud! Is that really such a bad thing?

Maybe love has been distorted. Perhaps it isn't what we believe it is. For instance, in marriage hundreds of years ago, its importance in a relationship was minimal compared to the importance of status and social climbing. Have Fairy Tales contorted the true essence of love? Do we put too much emphasis on the role of love in a relationship? Is love ever enough?

I love the idea of being in love, and have even enjoyed the feeling, but I don't think I believe that love is enough. I want the love- of course!- but I also feel the loyalty and commitment are seriously important qualities in a long-term relationship. And of course, love changes- it begins as passionate and all-consuming, and grows to become a respectful appreciation for the one your with. Then again, does love not encompass all of the above?

Is it okay to simply be in love with love? Can I just pretend that it is enough and hold onto that happy, gooey, juicy feeling where my heart feels like its floating? And if I subscribe to this, am I just setting myself up for heart-failure? A little love for the concept of love can't hurt, surely...

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

50 shades of kink

Ah the “Mummyporn” book that everyone is talking about. Even if you hadn’t read it I’m sure you know what its about. (If not go hit up the 50 million reviews on Amazon – its not a complicated story I promise!)

Love it or loath it we can give it one thing and that is that’s its got everyone thinking about their kinks, turn ons and fetishes. I think we can all admit to having varying fetishes and what is kinky to one person is plain old vanilla to another and one persons hard core X-rated is anothers “meh”. But that’s not really what I’m here to discuss. (Maybe another time?)

What I want to talk about is expressing these desires in new or even non-existant relationships. Now before I go into this post, I want to establish a few rules that I hope would go without saying, but I will say them none the less:
  1. Never EVER do anything you are not comfortable with.
  2. If you are uncomfortable, not enjoying something or in pain always say “No/Stop that/I’m not enjoying this” in a clear strong voice  - maintain eye contact if possible – make sure there is no room for misunderstanding.
  3. If those words may be part of the fun make sure you agree upon a safe word in advance and don’t be afraid to use it.
The next “rule” is actually a bit more complicated, one that is often preached but I am in two minds about. “Only ever do these things in a loving, committed relationship or with someone you trust” Now the part of that I agree with is “with someone you trust”. Maybe I’m just a good judge of character or maybe I trust too easily, but I don’t need to have been dating someone a year and be majorly in love before trusting someone. 

I was in a situation once where there was a guy I knew, we were “sort of” dating but there was no real definition on it. I’d known him for some time and shared a lot with him, although very little physically. After talking about kinks and fetishes we had some fun. It was all very natural – it wasn’t like we had a discussion about “we should do this/that” – we just said “never really understood that one but it could be fun  - lets try it” in response to a couple of the conversation topics.

At no point did I feel uncomfortable. At no point did I feel unsafe. At no point did I feel worried that he wouldn’t listen if I told him no. I half jokingly was saying “I’m not sure about this” with a smile and he jested “If you do it to me I get to do it to you” But even with the jesting I felt safe; knowing at no point would he actually “insist” if I told him no (or used the safe word).

Let me clarify. This is not a man I was in love with, nor in a relationship with. Heck we wernt even really what you’d call dating. But I had a large amount of trust for him (and he likewise) and that made it ok. Now we then get into the whole other issue of “how do you know when you want to sleep with someone” but the point remains that I was safe.

There are no hard and fast rules that say we can’t express, experiment with and discover new kinks, fetishes  and turn-ons with someone we are “merely dating”.  Don’t ever let your only reason for not expressing your sexuality be “Am I supposed to be in a relationship before doing this?”

And if you’re not sure my biggest piece of advice is this: If something goes hilariously wrong – will you both be able to laugh about it together? If the answer is ‘Yes’ you’re likely on a winning path.

Sex can be very funny sometimes what with fanny farts, weird faces, cramp at the most inopportune time and loads more besides. If the two of you are comfortable enough to laugh about it, hopefully you will also be comfortable discovering some new fun things to do together.

Go forth, have fun – STAY SAFE! 

Saturday, 8 September 2012

What are you looking for?

So, there comes a time, whether its during messaging on an internet site, on a first date, or over the phone, when a seemingly simple question is asked...

"What are you looking for in a man?"

How do YOU answer such a question? When we were younger, the obvious answer was to describe the person opposite you "well I'm looking for a tall, dark and handsome man, short and spiky hair with a beauty spot under his left cheek..." (of course this was providing you actually liked the person you were looking at ;) Are a bit old for that old ploy now?

I was asked this recently, and I wasn't sure how to reply. Thank the universe for the expected pause between messages! I eventually replied "I'm looking for someone who is honest, has a high integrity, treats me with respect, is happy in his work, is loyal and is faithful." Er, who isn't looking for this wondrous being? The fact is, aren't we all looking for that in a person? The real question is, what specific qualities am I looking for?

Basically, my ideal guy is made up of all the good parts of the men I have dated in the past, minus all the crappy annoying baggage they came with. Call me the ever pessimist, but I think that if I was to describe my perfect man, no one could ever live up to that expectation (and I would end up scaring every guy off!) I mean, I have a specific height, shape and skin-tone, I know what I would like his hair to look like, his favourite movies to be, his choice of career, his choice of football team, his favourite order on a Chinese takeaway list... It's a ridiculous list of perfection, and knowing my luck, that guy would walk into my life and probably not go for me anyway. I'm more realistic than that. And I think I wouldn't mind being with someone who didn't have all of these qualities wrapped up in a neat package...

Is it ever a good idea to just say "I don't know"? to this question? Does this set an unrealistic tone? Does this mean "I'll settle for whatever you give me"? And what if the person opposite you does not meet your idea of "what you are looking for"? Do you just down your drink in one and bid them farewell?

I guess my overall question is this: how do YOU answer this question? Examples would help, or just your general ideas. I want to be able to answer this question better in the future.

 Thoughts please!

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

First date outfit nightmares!

Ohh it’s a tricky old battlefield! Of course a lot of it depends on where you’re going, the season etc, but on the whole what do you go for?

Personally I love autumn (and judging by numerous blog posts and Pinterest I am not alone in this) it gives you the great opportunity to be just cosy enough to not worry about exposing too much, sweating, getting cold in that floaty dress somewhere with the aircon wacked up etc etc but not so bundled up its hard to tell if you are a woman or some lovechild of the Michelin man and pillsbury dough boy under all those layers!

I am still really loving the leggings/shorts look – ESPECIALLY when teamed with my oh-so cute, but not so girly brown knee highs. Am I a bit behind the fashion times here? Are leggings still in? Ech I don’t care – I’ve never been a fashion follower. But Panda thinks these are too casual for a first date.

So second option – a fail-safe of black fitted jeans. Ah the safety of a classic piece! But…then heels are needed. And given the season I am veering towards my skyscraper heel shoe-boots. All very well in theory until you consider the cobbles of the Southbank.

Not to mention that inherently I am a practical gal. We have already established this date will probably contain a fair amount of mooching along the river sampling various ale-houses (hehe, never said that before – never plan to again!) and whilst I am very comfy in my heels, I will be crippled after a few hours of walking on cobbles and I HATE being that girl that wears heels and then moans.

On a first date a few months ago I wore new heels that gave me a blister the size of a small egg that I literally couldn’t walk on the next day. Although I didn’t moan one little bit – that is not an experience I am keen to repeat!

As for the top? I have a brand new floaty top (with owls on it…I kid you not) which I think teemed with tight jeans will work well.  I plan never EVER to repeat my teenage mistakes of flaunting everything. It’s not a good look. Boobs, legs or bum. Pick one and accentuate it, but be modest elsewhere is my motto.
I don’t think I can get away with that cosy hoodie though so the coat situation needs some thinking. And I havn’t even thought about hair and makeup. Let alone the fact that I may also be concealing a hangover and late night out due to a certain Panda’s birthday the night before…

Am I the only one that stresses this much about what to wear on a first date? To me they are the most important looks-wise. You only ever make one first impression. (Oh did I not mention this was a guy I met online?) Second, third dates etc I stop worrying so much but first dates its all about getting that perfect balance of feminity, sexiness, but “oh this thrown together look?” whilst still being comfy.

Comfort is a big thing for me and it takes a lot to make me sacrifice it! Heck I’d live in a hoodie if I thought I could get aaway with it like that kid and his parka from East is East!

Ugh men have it so easy! Shirt, jeans = done. Please, someone tell me that men stress before getting ready for a date. It would make me feel so much better!

 Tell us what you wear on a first date.

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