It's strange, whenever I find myself in a clubbing situation, I always end up finding a quiet space to sit and meditate. Okay, not meditate. Zen masters would find it difficult to sit still with this kind of baseline. But it often feels like the perfect time to think about how I feel about my relationship situation.
And this is what I'm doing. My friends are off, singing and dancing away, enjoying themselves. And I'm sitting on a sofa, enjoying everyone else's enjoyment.
I know it seems strange. I've been doing it for years. I guess being in a social context where everyone is dressed to the nines and most people are looking to "hook up" makes me think of how I feel.
For many years this was an uncomfortable space to be in. That happens when you're in a long term relationship that you're not entirely happy being in (more on that another time). That was a few years ago now, and I haven't been in a relationship since. I won't lie, a lot of this single time has been uncomfortable pining, wishing I was in something meaningful, where I could truly express my feelings. I felt having someone else to love made me a better person, so being without a relationship made me only partly complete.
I know there are many other women who know this feeling. As if we're missing out on a vital part of being a woman. Having someone... There. I'm no feminist, nor am I of the school of thought that women have a "place" in the world. I merely mean my whole biology was geared toward feeling something for someone else.
I'm using past tense here. Because I no longer feel this way. Something changed in me, over time but also quite suddenly. People say that time is a healer, and that you need time after a long relationship to really get back to you. (Owl says you need to divide the length of the relationship by two to calculate the amount of time it takes to get over someone... so far this rings true!) This means loving yourself and really taking care of yourself. It has taken me so long to truly understand exactly what that meant.
For so long, I knew I was taking care of myself. But was I really putting myself first? I needed to find time for me, doing the things I really enjoyed and really basking in my own, individual, single company.
It was difficult at first, and sometimes still can be. But recently something has clicked, and I really appreciate the time I spend in my own head. I make myself laugh and really feel good when I do all the little things that I love and enjoy.
Why am I having these thoughts in the middle of a rave? I don't know. Maybe it's being surrounded by all these single people, and me realising that I don't need anything from them. I don't need the hottest guy to give me eye contact. I don't need to give my number to a guy to feel happy with my night. Achieving my own happiness comes completely from within me. And within me is feeling pretty good with itself.
That said, I should really get back to dancing. Might as well make the most of a good night out with my friends and dance til my feet hurt! It's what will make me happy right now :)
